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by muldy



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24299356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muldy/pseuds/muldy
Summary: "He continued to watch her stargazing. She was beautiful, but that wasn’t what was drawing him to her. It was the way she appeared in the Force in front of him, a calming feeling, almost like he had a home for the first time in his life. It was something he hadn’t ever thought he was missing until he had met her."
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	Home

If he was honest about it he hadn’t really wanted to come on this mission. Anything that came with a warning from Master Yoda that this could be a long, drawn out mission got on Obi-Wan’s nerves. It wasn’t that he minded the travelling, but the thought of being stuck alone with only Qui-Gon as company for a year while his master adopted people or random creatures he found along the way might be enough to send him insane.

He took a deep breath as the ship landed.

_Everything will be okay. The Force will see to it._

As he stepped off the ramp, his foul mood still present, he found his eyes falling on the person they had been sent to protect. A frown creased her forehead, her arms were folded tightly across her chest. She seemed about as eager to be there as he was.

‘Oh she looks like a blast,’ he muttered sarcastically to himself.

‘Be careful of your words, Obi-Wan. You may come to regret them,’ Qui-Gon teased, as though he knew something Obi-Wan didn’t.

He followed his Master off the ramp and over to the Duchess and her guards.

‘I am Duchess Satine Kryze,’ she introduced herself to Qui-Gon.

‘I am Qui-Gon Jinn and this is my Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi,’ Qui-Gon introduce them.

‘Nice to meet you Qui-Gon,’ she almost smiled as she spoke. ‘I don’t imagine we’ll be needing you here for nearly as long as the Jedi Council seems to thing. However, the assistance is appreciated. If you’d like to come with me we can have a dinner.’

Obi-Wan watched as the two of them walked away, following at a distance.

Hopefully the Duchess was right, it would be great if this mission was less than a year, because he was over it already.

*

‘Ben Kenobi was it?’

‘Of course you finally decide to talk to me and get my name entirely wrong,’ he mused, loud enough for her to hear it but not looking directly at her.

He had been enjoying sitting on the rooftop, observing the surrounding landscape, half on watch, half meditating.

‘I’m sorry, I’ve met so many new people in the past few weeks and I’m terrible with names,’ she replied.

He finally looked over and made eye contact with her. She was smiling now, either because she could relax for the first time in weeks or because the drinks they had with dinner had been stronger than she had let on.

‘It’s okay,’ he finally let go of his irritation at being there and smiled in return. ‘It’s Obi-Wan.’

‘Obi-Wan,’ she repeated, her eyes lighting up. ‘I’m quite fond of that name.’

‘And what brings you do the rooftop this evening, Duchess? You know it’s safer for you to stay inside.’

‘It gets tiresome living in a fortress full of guards and politicians wanting to know what our next move should be, I like to come up here at night to get fresh air and be away from it all, just to be myself.’

He watched her as she leaned on the railing, glancing up at the sky above her.

‘Your enemy can as easily attack from above as they can from below, if you don’t mind me saying,’ Obi-Wan commented, suddenly feeling rather protective of the Duchess.

‘So do you have to have the braid or is that a personal choice?’

He was taken aback for a moment, he had been making a rather serious point and she responded by asking about his hair?

‘It’s a way to signal that I am a Padawan,’ he answered her, almost ready to launch into telling her off again but not quite ready for her to leave the rooftop.

‘Did you always want to be a Jedi?’ she asked.

‘It wasn’t exactly a choice…’ he turned to lean against the railing, mimicking her position. ‘The Jedi are taken at a young age when they are identified as Force sensitive and trained.’

‘That’s horrible, that’s not giving you a choice in the matter at all!’ Satine looked as shocked as she sounded.

‘It’s the only way,’ he replied.

‘Well I think there should be another way. What you do with your life should be a choice,’ she said defiantly.

‘I still have a choice, I could always leave the order and return to my home planet.’

He was starting to feel slightly defensive. How dare this woman who knew nothing of the Jedi judge their traditions like this.

‘But why would you when you’ve never known any different?’ she questioned.

Unable to find a response he stood there for a moment in silence, pondering her question.

‘Anyway, I best get back inside, before my enemy attacks me from above. Goodnight, Obi-Wan.’

And with that she was gone as quickly as she appeared, only now he felt a strange emptiness he had never felt before, like something that was meant to be there had just been ripped away from him.

Trying to shake it off he closed his eyes, reaching out through the Force to try and find any lurking threats. But he found nothing, and less than five minutes later he found his mind wandering back to the Duchess.

*

‘If it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t be in this situation!’

Turning around he found his eyes landing on the woman in front of him, usually so well kept, she was now covered in mud, soaked from the rain and her clothes were torn in a number of places – thankfully none revealing anything inappropriate.

He smiled.

In hindsight smiling was probably the wrong reaction.

‘What could you possibly find funny about this, Kenobi?’ she snapped.

‘Being on the run suits you,’ he commented.

Her face twitched a few times, she was entirely unsure how to react to the comment, but he almost thought he saw a smile.

‘You are infuriating on many levels,’ she responded.

‘You’re just not used to people who don’t bow down to you, Duchess,’ he teased back, knowing she was upset and this would only make her more upset but he couldn’t help himself.

There was something really appealing to him about her when she was mad, particularly if it was at him.

‘Obi-Wan, I am literally on the run from people trying to have me assassinated,’ she shot back.

He hesitated, yes. That was true.

‘You always think you’re so clever, but perhaps you are not always the smartest person in the room,’ she continued, smug.

‘No, just in this room,’ he teased.

Rage shot across her face for a moment and she bent down swiftly picking up a handful of mud and tossing it at him.

He feigned offense, looking down at his white robes, now covered in mud.

‘It’s not even a room,’ she shot back. ‘It’s a cave.’

‘And now we’re both dressed the same! I hear mud is quite in fashion this season…’

‘I am only covered in mud because _you_ dropped me.’

‘If I remember correctly I was rescuing you.’

‘Some rescue,’ she shot back.

Finally taking a deep breath she looked around.

‘So do you think we can make this our home?’ she asked.

‘Now, Satine, I never said anything about making a home together,’ he replied.

‘You - ’

‘Am infuriating? I know,’ he finished for her.

Walking further into the cave she looked around, pulling a light from her pocket as she did so. Obi-Wan watched her, partially to make sure she was safe and partially because if he was honest, she made him feel comfortable. At home. 

He suddenly felt bad for making her life more difficult than it already was, and it wasn’t that he was trying to upset her, but he felt the need to be defensive of everything he was feeling in that moment and the best way for him to do that was to tease her.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, following her further into the cave. 

‘Apology accepted, but only if you can you use your Force thing to check for any large creatures that might eat us in our sleep…’ she smiled at him as she spoke.

He closed his eyes for a moment, concentrating.

Then opened them to meet hers staring eagerly back at him.

‘Nothing dangerous, although if you’re not a fan of bugs we may want to rethink our plan.’

‘I’m sure you can protect me, Padawan.’

And for a moment they both stood there, smiling softly at each other, their faces lit by the light in her hand. There was something about Satine, something that he had never felt with anyone else and couldn’t have described a few months earlier if someone had asked him to.

Now he couldn’t imagine feeling anything else.

When he realised what was happening he took a step backwards, focusing his gaze on the ground.

‘Of course. It’s my job,’ he said, trying to hide all emotion from his voice. ‘I think we should go a little further into the cave, then we can light a fire.’

‘Okay,’ she said simply.

He could hear the disappointment in her voice and he could feel everything she was feeling. Sometimes being Force sensitive had its downsides, because being able to pretend that she wasn’t feeling anything would really help him ignore his own feelings.

*

Three quarters of a bottle down he couldn’t even remember why she’d had it in her possession or who’s idea it had been to start drinking, but he knew he was enjoying it. Their daytime quarrelling had given way to talking about their life stories, their first proper bonding session without guards and Qui-Gon hanging around.

‘Would you ever leave the Jedi Order?’ she asked. ‘You said the first night we met that it was possible to leave and I was just wondering if it’s something you would ever consider?’

He looked at her in surprise, the light from the campfire dancing across her face.

‘Why would I? As you so bluntly pointed out, the Jedi Order is my entire life. I know nothing else, I have nothing else to return to if I chose to leave,’ he said simply.

‘What if you fell in love?’

Her words were so softly spoken he had to stop and process them for a moment.

‘In love?’

He could hear the surprise in his own voice, and he could feel the overwhelming wave of panic coming from her, as though she had suddenly realise she had crossed a line, and then to his surprise he felt it melt away, replaced with renewed confidence.

‘Yes,’ she said simply. ‘Would you ever choose love over the Jedi Order?’

‘I’m not allowed to fall in love,’ he said simply, calmly.

But as his eyes met hers in that moment he suddenly understood that not being allowed to fall in love hadn’t done much to stop it from happening.

‘That’s not what I’m asking…’

‘I know.’

He knew that to her, the silence that hung between them in that moment was an empty void of the unknown, but for him that void was filled with every emotion that was running through her mind. And through his.

It suddenly became overwhelming.

‘Satine…’

‘It’s okay. It was just a hypothetical question.’

He could see her wall coming back up, and suddenly he felt the need to be honest with her, feeling it was unfair that he could sense exactly how she was feeling and she had no idea that he was hiding the same thing.

‘I would leave the Order if someone I loved asked me to, yes,’ he said quietly, almost afraid that someone would hear them, despite being totally alone deep in a cave.

‘Putting that onus on somebody else feels unfair, don’t you think?’

‘Perhaps. But why risk something I know will always be there for me for something that may not?’ he responded.

He felt her understand in that moment and swiftly changed the topic, but that night he lay awake thinking for the first time of what his life could be outside of the Jedi.

*

Back inside a fortress felt a whole lot safer than running around the jungle, yet sitting in his quarters all Obi-Wan could wish for was to be back in that cave.

Frustrated with his inability to sleep or shake Satine from his mind, he got back up and found his way to the rooftop.

Afterwards he wondered if subconsciously he had known she would be there, looking up at the sky just like he had been on that first night.

‘Now what have I told you about your enemies attacking?’ he joked.

She looked at him, seemingly not at all surprised that he was there. ‘Did you come here to tell me off or join me?’

After a moments consideration he answered her question by standing next to her, but unlike last time he didn’t join her looking out, he leaned against the railing and looked at her.

‘I couldn’t sleep,’ he spoke slowly, as though he was still wondering how much he should say as he said the words. ‘My mind kept drifting back to the cave.’

‘Mine too,’ she whispered.

He continued to watch her stargazing. She was beautiful, but that wasn’t what was drawing him to her. It was the way she appeared in the Force in front of him, a calming feeling, almost like he had a home for the first time in his life. It was something he hadn’t ever thought he was missing until he had met her.

‘May I be honest, Satine?’ he asked.

She turned to face him, perhaps surprised at the use of her first name or perhaps by his soft and caring tone.

‘Please,’ she replied.

Taking a deep breath he reached out and touched her hand lightly, brushing his fingers down the length of her hand before entangling them in hers.

‘Just because Jedi are not allowed to fall in love doesn’t mean they don’t,’ he spoke slowly, carefully, hoping she would understand.

‘I know,’ she replied. ‘And I hope they know that they are loved back.’

He felt his heart both contract and burst in his chest as she spoke. He hadn’t expected any kind of response, mentally he hadn’t prepared for that to happen, although he should have known better. Of course if he said something she would respond, he just hadn’t…

He hadn’t expected that anyone could love him.

Let alone this woman who he had never even wanted to meet.

She laughed, breaking the awkward silence.

‘Obi-Wan, you seem surprised,’ she squeezed his hand as she spoke. ‘What did you expect me to say?’

‘To be honest, I hadn’t thought about it,’ he laughed in return, looking down at their joined hands and feeling warmth rush through his whole body.

Had she just said she _loved_ him? Not in those exact words but -

Suddenly her hand was on his face, lightly stroking his cheek, and before he could even look back up at her he felt her lips against his. The kiss was light and quick, but it was there. His eyes shot open as she pulled back and he felt his cheeks flushing.

‘Satine, if we’re caught I’ll be kicked out of the Jedi Order,’ he spoke quickly, trying to convince himself more than her.

‘Then we don’t get caught,’ she said simply. ‘Isn’t that why you’re here? To stop me from getting caught?’

He smiled in response, leaning in to give her another kiss. This time it was longer, deeper, and he suddenly didn’t care if Qui-Gon saw them. This – she – was worth it. She was worth everything.

*

‘I never expected you to be so reckless, Obi-Wan.’

Qui-Gon’s words stung, although for some reason there was an echo of pride in them. Obi-Wan kept his eyes focused firmly on the window behind his Master’s head.

‘It won’t happen again,’ he said quietly.

‘Do you wish to stay?’ Qui-Gon questioned.

Obi-Wan hesitated, unsure how to respond. Eventually he looked back at Qui-Gon, meeting his eyes, surprised to find there was no judgement there.

‘Stay?’

‘Things seem to be calming down but we all know there’s often a calm before the storm. The Jedi Council thinks it best if one of us remains here for a few more months to make sure everything is as it should be. That Jedi can be me or it can be you – the choice is yours.’

‘I’ll stay,’ Obi-Wan didn’t hesitate this time.

‘I thought as much,’ Qui-Gon smiled, placing a hand on his Padawan’s shoulder. ‘Obi-Wan, I will keep your secret from the Council, but take this time to figure out what it is you want. You cannot have both.’

‘Yes, Master,’ he replied.

‘And try not to get caught again.’

One last tap on the shoulder and Qui-Gon was gone, leaving Obi-Wan along with his thoughts. He wasn’t sure whether Qui-Gon’s permission had made him feel better or worse about the situation.

*

Obi-Wan took a seat at the end of the observation building. Tourists milled around him, admiring the view, taking holoimages for relatives, but he wasn’t paying attention to any of it, instead looking out at the city before him.

Mandalore had somehow become his home. It wasn’t really his type of place, he preferred somewhere with dry weather and a good bar, less political turmoil, but somehow this planet and it’s Duchess had caught his heart.

Only a few hours earlier he had received the message he had been dreading – a request from the Jedi Council for him to join Qui-Gon on a mission to Naboo.

He had told his Master he would use this time to figure out what he wanted from life but he had done anything but that. He had enjoyed every moment of being a Jedi while also being in love and he wasn’t ready for that to end.

For hours he had been trying to meditate on the decision for but no answer came, and he knew that’s because it wasn’t one that he could make on his own.

*

‘You seem down,’ she commented.

He look up from his plate of food, still mostly full and forced a smile.

‘I heard from the Jedi Council today,’ he said simply. ‘They have a mission for Qui-Gon and I.’

‘Okay.’

He didn’t have to say more, she understood. He watched as she placed her fork neatly on the table next to her plate for food, seemingly also suddenly without an appetite.

‘I could stay,’ he said carefully.

‘I can’t asked you to do that,’ she replied.

And for the first time in months he saw her walls come up. Reaching out with the Force he could barely read what she was feeling.

‘The choice has to be yours, Obi-Wan,’ she continued. ‘It’s your life.’

‘It’s our life, Satine.’

‘My life won’t change…’

‘So you’re saying that my being in your life won’t impact it at all?’ he felt the anger rise up quickly, too quick for him to push it down before the words came out.

‘I’m saying I’m not the one sacrificing anything,’ she snapped back. ‘I won’t be held responsible for you leaving the Jedi Order and resenting me for the rest of your life.’

He could feel the anger subsiding slightly as he tried to understand where she was coming from.

‘Satine, I could never resent you,’ he whispered.

Calm silence fell between them as they both retreated into their own thoughts.

‘Go on your mission, Obi-Wan, take the time apart to decide. It’s been a long time since you have left Mandalore, maybe leaving will give you some perspective.’

He nodded. 

‘Okay.’

*

Their last night he held onto her tightly, afraid to let go and even more afraid for the morning to come. Multiple times throughout the night he almost told her he was staying, and he felt like more than once she almost asked him to, but in the end neither of them spoke.

When he saw the sun rays reaching through the window he had already resigned himself to the fact he was leaving.

He felt Satine’s grip tighten on him as she had the same realisation.

But still she said nothing.

They both got dressed in silence and finally the call came through – the Jedi transport had arrived to bring Obi-Wan to Naboo.

‘Thank you,’ Satine spoke to the hologram.

As it disappeared from between them they finally looked at each other and he could see the tears welling up in her eyes. He had to use all the strength he could from the Force to not join her.

‘How are you so calm?’ she asked quietly.

‘Because I have to be,’ he replied simply.

She nodded, taking a deep breath and collecting herself.

‘I spend quite a bit of time on Coruscant,’ she said, each word sounding carefully thought out as she spoke. ‘Perhaps we will see each other.’

Suddenly dropping all pretence of being calm he took a step forward, taking her hands in his and holding them up between them.

‘After this mission I will come back to you, even if it is only to say goodbye, I promise,’ he spoke hurriedly. ‘This will not be the last time we see each other, it can’t be. Satine, I love you.’

And with those words he kissed her one last time, a simple, chaste kiss, then pulled back, leaning his forehead against hers.

Neither spoke.

She didn’t say the words back either, but he felt the emotion radiating from her and he clung to that feeling the whole shuttle to Naboo.

‘You’re very quiet, Obi-Wan,’ Qui-Gon observed.

‘I’m just reflecting on what I have learnt,’ he chose his words carefully.

‘You’re allowed to hurt,’ his Master replied.

Obi-Wan looked up at him and looked him dead in the eye as he spoke.

‘No, I’m not.’

Qui-Gon nodded, never bringing it up again.

*

Obi-Wan stared down at the boy. Sometimes his own loyalty was his downfall, he knew that, and right now he was torn between his loyalty to Qui-Gon and his loyalty to Satine.

‘So do I get to cut my hair and have a braid?’ Anakin asked, hopefully looking up at Obi-Wan.

And then there was this child, who needed him, who had no one else to teach him.

‘Yes, you do. And I finally get to cut mine off,’ Obi-Wan replied, trying to sound upbeat as he spoke.

He knew Anakin could feel something was off, but he was hoping the boy was too young to understand. Then he felt the boy’s hand on his arm.

‘I’m sorry you lost Qui-Gon,’ Anakin sounded sad. ‘But I’ll do my best to live up to what he wanted from me. I promise.’

It melted his heart a little and Obi-Wan felt his resentment towards the boy fading.

Clearly this was where the Force wanted him to be, so this was where he would remain.

*

Obi-Wan knew who it was when his holoprojector came to life.

‘Obi-Wan, I just heard about Qui-Gon. Are you okay?’ Satine’s face was blurred and jumpy due to the connection but he could read the sorrow on her face.

‘I will be,’ he replied.

‘Your braid is gone,’ she observed.

‘Yes. I’m a Jedi Master now.’

He had meant for the words to sound happy but the way they came out was anything but. He had achieved his life dream, to be a Jedi Master, to have his own Padawan, and all he felt was emptiness.

‘Then you won’t be coming back,’ she said simply.

It wasn’t a question and he didn’t respond, he couldn’t. He couldn’t say the words.

‘Perhaps on your next visit to Coruscant we will see each other,’ he said eventually.

‘Perhaps,’ Satine replied.

Again they were silent and Obi-Wan looked at the ground, unable to look at Satine a moment longer.

‘I love you too, Obi-Wan,’ she spoke very softly but he could still hear her voice crack as she spoke. ‘I’ll always love you. Goodbye.’

The room fell dark as the hologram turned off. He didn’t cry, he wasn’t allowed anymore – he had made his choice and he would have to live with it, but he also didn’t move for the next hour, and for the hours after that he lay awake, doing everything he could to push away everything he was feeling.

Like he should have done in the first place.

*

Standing alone watching Tatooine’s sunset was the next time Obi-Wan really allowed himself to let his emotions overwhelmed him. In such a short amount of time he had lost Satine and he had lost Anakin – for all he knew he had also lost everyone on the Jedi Council.

Never before had he felt so alone in the world, with only the twin suns for company.

Glancing down at the Lars property he realised that the child he had just left there was all he had left now, and he wasn’t going to let Luke suffer the way he had everyone else in his life. He knew that Leia was safe on Alderaan, Bail Organa would do everything he could to look after her – but he wasn’t sure how much he trusted Owen and Beru to actually protect Luke if someone came for him.

No. He would stay here.

Standing up he began to wander across the sand, unsure where he was going until he saw lights in the distance. Mos Eisley Spaceport.

Walking in he took a seat, looking around at the eclectic smugglers and drug lords and two in the corner he was entirely sure were bounty hunters waiting for their next mission.

He could disappear here, no problem.

The bartender stopped in front of him. ‘You’re new. What can I get you?’

‘Something strong,’ Obi-Wan replied.

The bartender smiled knowingly. ‘Ah yes, that’s usually why people end up on Tatooine.’

‘I’m also in the market for somewhere to live, if you know of anywhere?’

‘I’ve got just the guy for you to talk to,’ the bartender replied, then turned to look out into the crowd. ‘Ja-Urn. I have a new guy for you!’

A large man with bright red hair walked towards him, a drink in each hand.

‘What can I help you with?’

‘I need somewhere to live. Off the grid, if you get my meaning,’ Obi-Wan replied.

‘Ja-Urn,’ the man holds out a hand.

Obi-Wan shakes it, thinking before he speaks. ‘Ben.’

‘Well Ben, I think I have the perfect place for you…’

And later that night as Obi-Wan walked into the empty hut for the first time, a snake curling down from the ceiling, an abandoned Tusken Raider helmet on the floor, he was reminded of that night in the cave.

Lighting a fire and sitting down he could almost feel Satine’s presence, despite knowing he was completely alone.

‘Satine,’ he said quietly. ‘If you can hear me, I’m sorry. If I had never loved you, you would still be here and for that I can never forgive myself.’

There was no response.

He wasn’t expecting one but he waited anyway.

‘I thought training Anakin was the right decision but it wasn’t,’ he felt the emotion overwhelming him as he spoke to no one. ‘Everything that has happened was my fault. I found the Clones, I trained Anakin, it was me that Darth Maul was after.’

And now he let the tears come. And for the next week he did nothing else but sit in his new home and reflect on all the mistakes he had made.

Then he picked himself up. And bit by bit he made this hut his home.

And it _almost_ felt as much like home as Satine had. Almost.


End file.
